My fellow Americans,
My name is John Boehner and just minutes ago I outlined a debt reduction plan that I implore the President of the United States to stand behind.
But this is not why I am addressing you here and now - at least not directly why. My fellow Americans, in the past there have been scurrilous news reports that have shown me crying, even bawling, in public. After such embarrassing reports, most politicians would attempt to revamp their image - making it tougher and more suitable for future meetings with members of the press. I know that I have often daydreamed about stepping into the impregnable Iron-Man suit donned by Robert Downey Jr., placing Matt Lauer's head in a vice and holding him hostage under the condition that no reporter ever casts me in a cowardly light again. But then I snap myself out of such improbable reverie and realize that no self-respecting member of the journalistic community gives a shit about Matt Lauer. Also, I am a coward and, as a coward, I only feel comfortable holding one thing hostage: the American public as a whole - not its individual citizens.
I guess what I am saying is this: I often daydream about reinventing myself as a tough-as-nails Washington politician who can get things done, even though I recognize that my underlying psychological disorders make me a far more suitable candidate to do straightjacket beta testing. So instead I am taking another approach. If the President does not cow-tow to the demands of my tea-party of five, I will start crying. This will not be a by-the-numbers tantrum that ends in either exhaustion or indifference. This will be an insufferably long and drown out trail of tears (pardon my insensitivity to the Natives) that will start in front of the White House and end in the nut house. The shame this tantrum will bring upon our great nation will be so devastating and so far-reaching that other countries will view our citizens as absolute nut jobs as well - people who are so inconceivably ignorant that they elect whackos like me to run the country and shape policy.
My tears will be so salty you will be able to use them to garnish your organic strip-steaks and three-olive martinis. They will be so abundant that fringe environmental scientists will distill from them viable forms of alternative fuel. They will be so forceful that they will actually carve out gullies in my face so that future tears can flow with a greater fluidity.
I will cry so hard that the children of hardworking Americans will have nightmares about me. And they will, because they will see me, next week, when Matt Lauer runs a story about the Speaker of the House’s inability to manufacture a simple sentence without breaking into tears. And this sight will be so disturbing that they, too, will begin to cry. Only their tears will be acceptable because they are young and understandably frightened by the freakishly baffling antics of a grown man who cannot control the outpourings of his soul.
So, my fellow Americans, urge your congressmen to pass my plan to cut spending and get this country back on the path to financial prosperity. Because if you don't (edit: the remainder of Speaker Boehner's message was lost due to abundance of tears that collected under his keyboard while writing his conclusion)...
